Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
