i may or may not be watching the land before time
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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