Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
