She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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