Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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