Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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