I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
