What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
