a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
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