okay pat passed out under dana's car
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
