afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
