sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
