dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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