Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
