Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
