you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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