We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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