I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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