Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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