By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
