Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need to calm my uterus...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
