saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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