I wish my penis had an off switch
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
