Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
