this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
