hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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