im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
