when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
