You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
