i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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