I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
