no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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