Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
