I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
