I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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