Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
