he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
