Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
