I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
