Your dad touched me again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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