if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
