Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
