so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
