Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
