I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
