So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
