So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
