Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
