Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
