just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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