I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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